* Play "Goodbye to You"****
Jane sits at her computer, unable to find the words. She takes a deep breath and lets her heart lead her fingers across the keys.
Dear David,
I know I promised you a long time ago that I would never do this, that I wouldn't break-up with you. It's just that i feel as though I am suffocating. Every moment for the past year and a half has been filled with you. We had class together, we sang together, we worked together... I have no clue who I am without you. I did catch a glimpse of who I am with you these days and I don't know her either.
I'll never forget our talks and our adventures. You are the one I went to my first Prom with, and my last. You were the one beside me onstage. The one who held me in your arms when I was at odds with my parents. The one who promised to marry me one day.
But you also have isolated me because you are a loner. I'm not! I love being with people. I also like going to church.(Even though things we have done aren't that churchy.) The fact that you resent everything I do that does not involve you yet refuse to evolve as a person and try new things is maddening.
Do you remember the day in the auditorium during practice when a couple of guys were making comments about me? They weren't disrespectful just complimentary. You pulled me aside and accused me of seeking attention. I blew you off and you proceeded to pull me into a hallway, where you lashed out at me for "embarrassing you". I let it go. I just wanted you to be happy, I apologized. You know what David, I'm still not sure what for. Maybe for not being invisible, or maybe it was the fact that deep down I knew that I was alive inside and you weren't.
In spite of everything, I love you. I always will. I just can't be with you anymore. I can't be sad anymore. We gave each other everything, and for that reason I almost feel as though we should stick it out. I never wanted to be with more than one person. I guess I screwed that one up.
You will always be a part of me and have a part of my heart. Every song I sing, in my heart, it will be only one half of the duet. I swear two voices were never meant to sing together more perfectly than ours. Maybe one day fate will bring us back to the beginning. I hope you don't hate me.
Love ,
Jane
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Jane and Jacob: A Prologue to "The Lost Years"
The "Lost Years" of Jane begin with a seemingly bland prologue.Indulge her if you will....sometimes you don't recognize a crossroad in your life until it is miles and miles behind you. * Click to Play "The Sweetest Thing"****
Sophomore year, Jane and Jacob are surrounded by beige cinder block and blinded by fluorescent lighting. The English class is reading "The Crucible " out loud, OK well some of them are sleeping and others just should not be given main characters to read aloud if they cannot observe punctuation or inflection. Jane, finds the play it's self torturous enough without being subjected to the monotone delivery of a girl who clearly has no sense of what she is reading.
It was in this class where she first laid eyes on Jacob, (not his real name of course).He was handsome in an interesting way and he had the most amazing blue eyes and a really big ...Bible. Yes, a Bible that he read in class, lunch and carried proudly wherever he went.He didn't tuck it away discreetly in his book bag, no in his hand and in the other hand, a guitar.
Jane needed an opening line..."hm mm" she thought "what to say?...I got it!" Jane shoved by a few classmates who were chatting in the aisle as if it were a barbershop.She caught up with him as he was leaving class, which wasn't hard to do considering all of his accessories. "Hey, what church do you go to?" Jacob looked up at her smiled and answered politely. She could tell she kind of threw him off guard with her boldness, which gave her a little thrill as well. This was a trait that she would never outgrow.
Jane supposed that she was somewhat "cooler" than he, tucked somewhere between "popular" and " Oh yeah Jane, I know who she is." Within the adult definition of "cool" in which she and he now exist (on opposite sides of the country) he was cool in a way at seventeen that most people don't achieve until they are rounding thirty. Wise beyond his years he once told her:"Jane, you are just realizing how pretty you are and I am afraid, that is why you want to see other people."Jane both resented and resembled the remark. But before it came to that, they were a sweet pair.
Jacob made her heart pound in ways that only a man of God can.It was as if he was emanating this glow that she had only read about. He was the first and last man of God that she ever fell in love with.
A year passed without incident but he knew he was her sights. Junior year they reconnected, she honestly doesn't remember how. Funny how you just lose bits and pieces here and there. They showed their affection by holding hands in the hall and spent time together reading the Bible in the study rooms of the public library.
Jacob talked about going to Liberty, he was born to be a minister. Jane wasn't sure what she was born to do, the only thing she loved was singing. She had no real direction of her own. No real faith of her own. She believed in God but she also believed in herself and desires. She believed that sex was something to be saved for marriage. Jacob believed that his first French kiss with a girl should be on their wedding day.
On Valentine's Day in her parent's den, they were kissing as young lovers often do when he pulled back suddenly. "Did you just put your tongue in my mouth?" Jane didn't quite know how to respond. Maybe she had slipped him some tongue. Things like that happen sometimes when you are kissing . Either way she was a little offended at his tone and righteous indignation in towards her technique. She was seventeen, tongues have minds of their own at that age.This is what she told herself .
He was using his gifts to further the kingdom of God, she was concerned with gaining recognition and praise for her God given gifts. Though they met up between classes and after school within those halls they lived in two separate worlds. When Jacob told her that he was compelled to stand up in the commons during lunch and preach she impressed yet, she secretly shuttered with embarrassment on the inside. " What a strong guy I have", Jane thought," Thank God we do not have lunch together".
Jane's thoughts and social circle started to drift. Slowly fading into worldly thinking she gave her heart and mind away piece by piece. Maybe it was just that she wasn't mature enough for someone like Jacob. Maybe Jane was just a horny seventeen year-old who just needed a little tongue...but never the less she fell in lust with "David". David who had the voice of and angel, who wrestled at a nice 172, who looked like a cross between Charlie Sheen and Ricky Martin. David was also an atheist with a cloud of depression that hung over his head, needy and slightly controlling. But who can see all that when you are staring at a very nicely fitting pair of khakis?
Jane broke up with Jacob. It is likely that if they had made it through High School together, it probably would have ended in college. Even at her best Jane was never what Jacob needed. What is key here is that Jane's path would have been drastically different had she not made that decision. She would have gone to Liberty with Jacob, and probably ended up with someone else.Whatever may have transpired it would have been far less painful than what was to come.
Jane knew she had made a mistake. But it was too late. She didn't even try to explain or beg for forgiveness.So like the stubborn girl she was and young woman she would become, Jane stuck it out. She started seeing David in April and by June she had lost her virginity to a guy who would consume her final years of high school, her free time,her work and even arranged his schedule so that he was in all of her classes Freshman year.
But that is another chapter......
Sophomore year, Jane and Jacob are surrounded by beige cinder block and blinded by fluorescent lighting. The English class is reading "The Crucible " out loud, OK well some of them are sleeping and others just should not be given main characters to read aloud if they cannot observe punctuation or inflection. Jane, finds the play it's self torturous enough without being subjected to the monotone delivery of a girl who clearly has no sense of what she is reading.
It was in this class where she first laid eyes on Jacob, (not his real name of course).He was handsome in an interesting way and he had the most amazing blue eyes and a really big ...Bible. Yes, a Bible that he read in class, lunch and carried proudly wherever he went.He didn't tuck it away discreetly in his book bag, no in his hand and in the other hand, a guitar.
Jane needed an opening line..."hm mm" she thought "what to say?...I got it!" Jane shoved by a few classmates who were chatting in the aisle as if it were a barbershop.She caught up with him as he was leaving class, which wasn't hard to do considering all of his accessories. "Hey, what church do you go to?" Jacob looked up at her smiled and answered politely. She could tell she kind of threw him off guard with her boldness, which gave her a little thrill as well. This was a trait that she would never outgrow.
Jane supposed that she was somewhat "cooler" than he, tucked somewhere between "popular" and " Oh yeah Jane, I know who she is." Within the adult definition of "cool" in which she and he now exist (on opposite sides of the country) he was cool in a way at seventeen that most people don't achieve until they are rounding thirty. Wise beyond his years he once told her:"Jane, you are just realizing how pretty you are and I am afraid, that is why you want to see other people."Jane both resented and resembled the remark. But before it came to that, they were a sweet pair.
Jacob made her heart pound in ways that only a man of God can.It was as if he was emanating this glow that she had only read about. He was the first and last man of God that she ever fell in love with.
A year passed without incident but he knew he was her sights. Junior year they reconnected, she honestly doesn't remember how. Funny how you just lose bits and pieces here and there. They showed their affection by holding hands in the hall and spent time together reading the Bible in the study rooms of the public library.
Jacob talked about going to Liberty, he was born to be a minister. Jane wasn't sure what she was born to do, the only thing she loved was singing. She had no real direction of her own. No real faith of her own. She believed in God but she also believed in herself and desires. She believed that sex was something to be saved for marriage. Jacob believed that his first French kiss with a girl should be on their wedding day.
On Valentine's Day in her parent's den, they were kissing as young lovers often do when he pulled back suddenly. "Did you just put your tongue in my mouth?" Jane didn't quite know how to respond. Maybe she had slipped him some tongue. Things like that happen sometimes when you are kissing . Either way she was a little offended at his tone and righteous indignation in towards her technique. She was seventeen, tongues have minds of their own at that age.This is what she told herself .
He was using his gifts to further the kingdom of God, she was concerned with gaining recognition and praise for her God given gifts. Though they met up between classes and after school within those halls they lived in two separate worlds. When Jacob told her that he was compelled to stand up in the commons during lunch and preach she impressed yet, she secretly shuttered with embarrassment on the inside. " What a strong guy I have", Jane thought," Thank God we do not have lunch together".
Jane's thoughts and social circle started to drift. Slowly fading into worldly thinking she gave her heart and mind away piece by piece. Maybe it was just that she wasn't mature enough for someone like Jacob. Maybe Jane was just a horny seventeen year-old who just needed a little tongue...but never the less she fell in lust with "David". David who had the voice of and angel, who wrestled at a nice 172, who looked like a cross between Charlie Sheen and Ricky Martin. David was also an atheist with a cloud of depression that hung over his head, needy and slightly controlling. But who can see all that when you are staring at a very nicely fitting pair of khakis?
Jane broke up with Jacob. It is likely that if they had made it through High School together, it probably would have ended in college. Even at her best Jane was never what Jacob needed. What is key here is that Jane's path would have been drastically different had she not made that decision. She would have gone to Liberty with Jacob, and probably ended up with someone else.Whatever may have transpired it would have been far less painful than what was to come.
Jane knew she had made a mistake. But it was too late. She didn't even try to explain or beg for forgiveness.So like the stubborn girl she was and young woman she would become, Jane stuck it out. She started seeing David in April and by June she had lost her virginity to a guy who would consume her final years of high school, her free time,her work and even arranged his schedule so that he was in all of her classes Freshman year.
But that is another chapter......
Introduction
I'm trying to begin at the beginning, but there are no clear beginnings and endings in life are there?This tale is impossible to tell in exact chronological form, as I am sure the Stories will be born in their own time and order with no regard for my ideas of structure. I will but do my best to narrate this saga.
This is what it is. A story of heartache, passion, lost innocence, friendship, stupidity, sin and redemption.
note: Each post has a corresponding song that is to be played.
This is what it is. A story of heartache, passion, lost innocence, friendship, stupidity, sin and redemption.
note: Each post has a corresponding song that is to be played.
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